Cindy Crawford To Be The New Spokesperson For Depends

November 27, 2000

by guru mumu

As I perused through a newspaper during my much-deserved lunch break today, I was most intrigued and perplexed by a news headline proclaiming that Cindy Crawford was fired by Revlon for being "too dull." Now ain't that somethin'?? Cindy Crawford, the face of the '90s ('90s the operative word here, folks!), is now too ugly for the '00s. Revlon reasons that her look just isn't attracting the young'uns, a market that the huge make-up company is trying to target in order to get back the money it's lost in sales. Apparently, Crawford, 35, is enticing the more mature crowd of thirty-somethings. And thirty-somethings just ain't gonna bring in the dough because women this age don't buy cosmetics anymore…they just go for the good ol' cosmetic surgery. Hee-hee!! Okay. Just joshing.

So guess who's rumoured to take the place of unemployed Cindy?? Tina Turner! Yeah! Okay. Kidding again. Don't panic. It's allegedly Gisele Bundchen, Leonardo Dicaprio's latest squeeze, who's gonna pout and pucker and bat and suck to get the little kiddies to buy Revlon products. She's hot. She's beautiful. She's seductive. She's luscious. And she's also fifteen whole years younger than passé Cindy Crawford.

What do I say about all this? Ladies and gentlemen, it is the age of the young'un. Girls are done playing with Barbies, playing dress-up, and playing house. The young divas now LOOK LIKE BARBIES, DRESS LIKE SEX SIRENS, and BUY HOUSES. Yup. They're hip, they're happenin', they're young, and they're LOADED. Step aside, Mariah Carey, Cindy Crawford, and Susan Sarandon. Make way for Britney Spears, Gisele Bundchen, and Natalie Portman! These fresh faces are the ones being seen, being revered, and being paid for. These days, young means money.

And what does this mean for the um…shunned oldies? Don't cry for them, my bebbies. They can live off their endorsements, lawsuits, and sporadic cameos for many years to come. If any damage is done, it's mostly on their inflated egos. I'm sure Cindy Crawford will miss the $6.5 million a year that she got from sporting Revlon's make-up line but I'm even more sure she'll find something better. Maybe she can be the next spokesperson for Depends or something.

And as for the young blood basking in the glory of fame, right now, here are some words from the wise: Enjoy it while you can, girlies. Chances are, a new batch of neophytes will take over and dethrone you. Ever heard of the saying, "What goes around comes around?" Or are you too young to have heard of it? Well, anyways, just as you stole the spotlight from somebody else, somebody else can steal your wind. I bet Mariah Carey felt sweet as honey when she stole the divahood from Whitney Houston. And I bet Christina Aguilera got what a girl wants, what a girl needs, when she wore even less clothes than Mariah and got even more attention. And what lies in store?? Further dethroning and even more firing. Out with the old, in with the new. It's a natural thing. And a vicious cycle that's not going to stop. But hey, there's always Revlon!